Cautious Optimism

When I read my horoscope for the month I was torn between complete elation and woeful disbelief. Being the closet pessimist that I am, I want to celebrate the “good things to come” and “all your dreams will come true” aspect of the forecast – but also being a realist and a bit of a cynic, I will have to settle for the usual cautious optimism.

Now that the alignment of the stars and planets are in my favor and those pesky retrogrades are supposedly a thing of the past – my career, love life and finances are set to hit warp speed by the end of the year or possibly by mid-January or maybe near the end of February. Who cares if I can’t narrow down the timeline - I am going to be successful, in a wonderful relationship and fantastically rich. It’s about damn time!

For those of you who still believe that hard work pays off or love conquers all, a few years with Mercury in non-stop retrograde for a decade or two and Saturn beating you in the head with a large stick, supposedly to teach you some universal lesson that you probably aren’t going to understand anyway, will change your tune.

I’m a fairly logical and straight-forward individual, and if whatever lesson it is that you want me to learn won’t help me put food on the table or get rid of the lines and wrinkles from worrying how to put food on the table, then there’s a good chance I got bored and only heard about half of what you said.

But there is a problem with that. Apparently, if you don’t listen and learn the lesson, you continue to relive the process over and over again (think “Groundhog Day”). I’m not sure I’ve actually figured out the meaning of the all-important, cryptic message, but I’m so beaten down and worn out that I no longer have the strength to fight it.

Mom always had a few horoscope books strewn around the house. She was an intelligent and independent woman, but she was also quite intuitive and sensitive. She was always looking ahead, searching for answers, which likely contributed to my own desire to question and understand the world around me. One trait she possessed that I haven’t been able mimic was her ability to let go of the past – to live in the present. I waste a lot of energy carrying around hurt, anger and regret. To say I have a bit of baggage is an understatement.

I am certain Mom had regrets in her lifetime, but they did not define her. Heaven knows the woman could get angry, often (actually very often) with me. However, once it was over, that was it. If the situation continued to gnaw at her, she never let on. No doubt the fact that such things stay with me virtually forever was sufficient motivation for her to just drop it. There was no reason for both of us to suffer.

Mom has moved on, literally. Her need to see what lies ahead, far beyond the next bend in the road, is no longer relevant. All the twists and turns have straightened out and her view is no longer obstructed.

Next Wednesday will be her birthday. Perhaps that is why she’s on my mind, but I doubt it. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t feel a sudden soft breeze blow past that seems to come out of nowhere. It’s as gentle as a whisper and I can almost make out the words that I expect to be her voice. One of the last things she said to me was that she’d always be around and I have no doubt that she is.